This past season of my life has been a humbling one.
I think after I published my book a few years ago about “finding me”, I started developing a bit of a faith ego – which is horrible now that I think about it. But naturally, since I literally wrote a book about how I found myself through Christ, I figured my life had to represent someone completely secure, mature, and developed in their faith.
Post-book, people of all ages started coming to me for advice, mentorship, and guidance on how to live their lives and navigate their relationships with God. Of course at first, it was strange having so many people look up to me all of sudden to help them their spiritual life. However, as the years have passed, it’s become somewhat normal. Now, when I go in anything, I’m aware of the heightened view people have of me, the standards I’m expected to live up to, and the way I’m put up on a pedestal in many people’s eyes.
Recently, I think it’s gotten to a point where I have become so confident in my strong faith that I have become less dependent on God. My faith has become more tied to myself than to my actual faith in Jesus, if that makes sense. Jesus has become more of an association that’s tagged on to me rather than someone who I’m pursuing with my life.
To be honest, since becoming a spiritual leader for people, I’ve never had anyone really challenge my faith. No one has really pushed me or convicted me to feel like I need to seek God deeper. Thus, I’ve always felt like I’m at the highest point I can be at and that the only thing I should focus on is helping other people grow. Thus, that has generally led me to view other people’s faith as less than. I figured that since I’m at the highest point, most everyone else must be lower. In some cases, this was good as it’s helped me to help a lot of people. But in other cases, it causes me to miss seeing the work God is doing in other people’s lives. It causes me to miss the talents, gifts, transformations, wisdom, and Spirit He has given to so many people – in those I deem close to God and those who I deem far from God as well.
I was reading 2 Corinthians today and verse 7 stood out in particular. It says this: “You are judging by appearances. If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do.” Essentially, the passage is Paul’s defense against the Corinthians and how the Corinthians shouldn’t judge Paul so quickly. He is defending that His faith is strong, just as much as the Corinthians believe their faith is.
I feel like the Corinthians in this passage. I feel as though I’ve become so judgmental and have been failing to be confident in others as much as I’m confident in myself. And honestly, my lack of confidence in other’s faith reveals a much deeper issue – my lack of confidence in God and that He dwells in the hearts of all believers.
All this to say, I’ve reached a humbling point. Firstly, I’m realizing I’m very far from being a perfect Christian. That seems obvious, but sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking I need to be and that people think that I am. But the reality is, my relationship with God struggles a lot. I feel far from Him a lot. I find myself at ground zero more often than I’d like to admit. It’s only by God’s grace in my life that I can continue to get back up and seek Him again and again.
Secondly, I’m realizing that there are no “better” Christians. We are all the same. We all fall so desperately short of the glory of God. While some may seem like they have it more put together than others, we are all still the same. I’m not a better Christian because I wrote a book about finding God and finding me. I’m not a better Christian because I serve as a spiritual mentor and leader. I only did and do all those things because of the ways God has equipped and blessed me. It’s only through Him that I even know Him and am where I am. I forget that lot. I think I’ve forgotten it more often recently.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still on my journey to finding me. I need to know my place before God and get back on my knees every morning and night. I need to immerse myself in prayer and Scripture like I used to and live a life in complete and utter dependence on God and God alone. I need to view people as fellow sons and daughters of God rather than people who I need to help. I need to find God again in my life on a daily basis. And I need to find myself through Him on a daily basis as well.
Finding Me 