I was originally going to write a list about everything I wanted to do when I’m 20. But as I sit here in reflection in my last moments of being 19, I’m thinking less about what I want to do and more about who I want to be.
I think 19 was a humbling year for me – one where I learned my weaknesses and places where I fall short. I learned that I’m very judgmental. Although I constantly portray an outer appearance of kindness, there are many times where the first thoughts in my head about people are negative. I’m quick to jump to poor conclusions and fail to see people for more than what I first see and observe.
I also learned I’m not as high-moraled as I thought. There were several times this year where my actions didn’t line up with my values. I am quick to fall into temptation when it is presented and I fell into a lot of sin this year. When I did fall in to that sin, my pride prevented me for a while to notice that I was even sinning.
This led me to learn that I have a very high view of myself. Many times I think I’m doing great because I’m not doing as bad as everyone else. Sometimes I think I’m so flawless because of the praise that people give me and because of what I’ve accomplished in my life. This high view, in many ways, has gotten to my ego and it has stopped me from fully repenting and admitting my utter brokenness to God.
This year has humbled me in so many ways. Don’t get me wrong, it was still an incredible year of being alive and being in relationship with Jesus. It’s just also shown me the areas where I fall short and that I need to work on.
So, going into year 20, I want to work on those areas.
I want to go back to square 1 and return to a heart posture that is fearful and humble before the Lord. I want to be at a place of desperation for God, realizing that I am truly nothing without Him. I want to be in daily dependence on Jesus, and I want to fully know my place before Him. I want to realize my sin, my brokenness, and my many, many weaknesses, and bring that consistently to God to redeem me in those places.
From there, I want to go into my other relationships with sincerity and humility as well. I want to view people highly. I want to view people the way God sees them – full of light and potential. I want to stop looking at people solely as people who need to be helped but rather as people who also have the power to help others, myself, and the world. I want to not only be called kind; I actually want to be kind all the time – as much as I can at least.
I want to be honest with myself and other people. I don’t want to act a certain way but think completely different inside. I want to live a life of integrity and consistency. I want my life to align with my faith and values. I don’t to be easily swayed and led into temptation. I want to be the person who says “no” and who sticks by my morals to the end. I want to be someone who people respect deeply because I stand by my word and the Word and don’t a live a hypocritical life.
I want to be more secure in myself this year. I don’t want to be hurt and pulled down by the weight of other people’s opinions and words, but rather cling to what I know to be true about myself from Jesus. I don’t want to lose hope, diminish my dreams, and belittle my gifts because of people who don’t speak life into my life. I don’t want to compromise this year. I want to pursue God in everything I do and I want to pursue righteousness at all costs. I want to live my life sensitive to the movements of the Holy Spirit and I want to make my decisions from the guidance of God rather than my emotions.
19 was a year of recognizing my weaknesses. I want 20 to be a year where I fully step into old and newfound strengths and become what I envision a true woman of God to be.
Finding Me 